The scoop

Just wanted to post that Matt Cassel has been officially traded to the Kansas City Chiefs! Terms have not yet been disclosed, but eat your heart out ESPN and Mike Reiss, you wish you had sources like mine heh?

Some random thoughts... (drunk)

Are there any homeless people that don't smoke cigarettes? I mean I haven't gone around collecting market data yet but...

Do I actually remember HBO televising an "alien" autopsy in the mid 1990's or has my regression therapy been a waste of money?

I think Nascar drivers should all be blindfolded and the first to make it to 10 laps wins!

If a monkey can learn sign language, how come George Bush can't learn English?

Why hasn't someone made a "glow-in-the-dark" car yet?

If some fuckin hillbilly hasn't killed Bigfoot yet, he never will.

I wish I could be haunted by a ghost. A really pissed off, mean, murdered ghost. The kind that has the ability to make shit in the room move because it's that angry. I would pull up a seat and laugh my fucking ass off at it while calling it ghost names. Stupid ghosts.

Anyone know what happened to "Dobber" from Coach?

I also wonder if A.C. Green has gotten laid yet...

Would people buy "I can't believe it's not butter" if it were just called "Not Butter"? (Well what the fuck is it then?)

At some point, at some time, someone has drank Nair.

Where can I buy Northern Malt Liquor?

If I could go back in time to give a caveman just one thing...... I'm pretty sure it would be my middle finger!

Jump in the water, fuck getting a soda at work...

"If we look at 1995, for example, the most recent year for which I was able to find an accounting of deaths due to vending machine tipovers. Two people died as a result of being crushed by falling soda machines in the US as compared to zero shark-related deaths in the same 12 month period.Moreover, according to the US Consumer Product Safety Commission there were 37 known vending machine fatalities between 1978 and 1995, for an average of 2.18 deaths per year. Over the past decade there were a total of six recorded shark attack fatalities in the U.S., for an average of .6 deaths per year.
Ergo, barring a drastic reduction in the frequency of vending machine accidents since 1995, vending machines are indeed more deadly than sharks by a factor of almost four!"


I think I may make a t-shirt to raise awareness....

Brett Farve dodges offseason workouts again!

Brett Favre had to make a decision in February? WTF!? Don't put too much pressure on the old man, his ticker might burst. Just like the rest of us though, Brett makes his big life decisions while murdering unsuspecting 4 legged creatures.  After a blood filled weekend of blowin shit up he decides that exercising from March through June just isn't his thing... No shit? He usually decides in May if he wants to play football or run around like Rambo in those Missippi backwoods (I know how to spell it). I'm thinking he's forcing the Jets hand now to force it again later, after the Jets find their 2009 signal caller I think that damn right elbow of his will start to itch. I think he wants to play in Minnesota or Chicago so he can swing his Favreian dick around in front of his old faithful. Since the Jets will hold his rights when he wants to play again and since they will have already moved on to another qb (Jeff Garcia anyone?) they will be forced to cut him allowing him to sign wherever he wants. I don't think Lovie Smith will want him becuase a big part of the reason he got his head coaching job in Chicago was because he was a Favre Killer, Brett was like 2-7 against Lovie coached teams including a 6 interception performance in a playoff game, which leaves the Vikings who will hopefully already have Matt Cassel therefore foiling Brett's plan MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The only way Brett is retired is if he can't get into Minnesota or Chicago in June. The old lazy bastard never went through offseason workouts, why would he start now? 

Fast Food

Since I am hungry and want to procrastinate hopping my ass off the couch, I thought I would share my favorite bullshit food with the world. Exactly why I want to do this I don't know. I guess I do a lot of things for no reason...

(Subject to change)

1. Wendy's
Deadly Dave's might not have cracked the top 3 one month ago because I never went to this turdburger until recently and let me tell you what. Wendy's is a lard-oiled machine!
After you order they make you pay at the first window and from that point on, if you don't order a drink you don't even have to hit your brakes! Your bag is basically dangling out the window waiting for your outstretched arms to grab it. If I were homeless I would stalk the Wendy's drive thru. Of course who isn't getting a drink when one of the options is a $1 frosty? Are you fucking serious? Get outta here! They claim the top spot after getting a cheap "spicy chicken" option on the menu. Before this their .99 chicken sandwhich just didn't cut it and their other spicy chicken option was a 6 dollar disaster. Who gives a fuck about square burgers! I'm sure they suck too. If the only thing you order is a frosty it is still worth the trip.

2. Taco Bell?
Other than the fact that some of the menu options are a one way ticket to diarrheaville, this place is fuckin great! I could eat a chicken chalupa once a day at least 3 times a week, double that if I am drinking heavily that week. Their cheesy potatoes are a gift from God, what more proof do you need that there is something looking out for your well being? I prefer a TB (that's short for tuberculosis bacillus) quesadilla to that of say Q-Blowdah or Chibloatley. Their hot sauce is not to be denied and who else stocks a soda called Mountain Dew Baja Blue? I still order their spicy chicken crunchwrap supreme knowing full well where I will be for 15 minutes the next morning. (Why are they #2?)

3. Burger King
Onion rings and hershy pie alone should probably put them at #2 but sometimes burger king just sounds fucking horrible. I'm always up for a TB quesadilla or cheesy tots if undecided on which shithole to eat from. If you've ever found part of a chicken hoof in your sandwhich you'll know why BK is #3, there's nothing like a good crunch that may or may not have broken off part of a tooth. The tyrant also tried cooking mozz. sticks but somehow fucked that up, and their chicken parmesan has been turned down by homeless people who haven't eaten for days. Their fish sandwhich is oh-so average and sometimes unfinishable because it may or may not contain chicken. After Burger King coined the word baggler it was all downhill, the messages they print on their bags is beyond stupid and Frosty's are BK malts' wet dream.

4. Who needs a 4th? I'm fuckin hungry already.

Matty Franchise

Well that didn't take long. So much for actually wanting Matt to be the backup quarterback next season. Everytime the Patriots have franchised a player there has been 6 days or less before time ran out, this time it was the first minute we had the chance. No fucking around or beating around the bush in 2009. The Mortimer reported on Disney that he thinks Matt is gonna be sticking around... No way. This says right off the bat that if you want a quarterback this offseason we have the best and you are allowed to start negotiating 3 weeks early! The Pats know Matt is the commodity to have. The best college qb prospects both leave 1 year of eligibility on the table which usually does not translate to instant success in the NFL, actually it maks the % of first year success very low. Matt got better as the year went on and more film became available of him. He probably won't cost as much financially as picking a qb in the top 5 and he is already considered a model citizen, will Matt Stafford blow up on a reporter like Ryan Leaf? Probably not, but we know Matt Cassel won't. His value his highest now, the scouting combine hasn't taken place, and a team signing Matt now allows him to particiapate in all of that teams offseason activities. Trying to trade him in July or August when teams already have their plans in place would yield far less activity.
The Patriots may try to negotiate in the coming weeks to actually find a contract that would allow Matt to be the backup quarterback, but I guarantee they will not carry a $29,000,000 cap charge for one position, it just isn't the Patriot way. This means one of the 2 quarterbacks is gone and it won't be Tom Brady leaving like Drew Bledsoe did in 2002. We will also not be trading Matt within the division to the Jets unafraid that he could beat us like we did with Drew. However, if the Jets are willing to give up 2 first round picks we would have to or match the offer. I don't see a new coach that doesn't have first hand experience of the border war shelling out 2 valuable #1's he will need to get his transition going.
I ultimately see the Pats getting a first rounder and a 2 or a 3, maybe both. Matt Schaub went for two second round picks and he had about 50 less quarters under his belt meaning at least one of those picks for Cassel should be a #1 and I'm sure Bill will point to this trade when speaking with teams. The Pats could also try to go after a veteran qb this offseason if they feel O'Connell isn't ready to hold the fort down, even if for a month. Tom himself started early in his 2nd season after being the 4th qb in his rookie season. Since O'Connell was the #2 last year he got more practice snaps his rookie year than Tom did. I don't think it'll matter though, Tom will be ready by September, if Carson Palmer can make it in 8 months Tom can do it in 11.
Hopefully Bill reaches out to Jim Schwartz, when Jimmy was hired by the Lions he all but admitted he wanted to give Bill a blowjob and he would probably shell out whatever Bill told him to. Scott Pioli in Kansas City has the #3 pick but I don't see him giving his old boss a bargain when he is obviously most concerned with making his own name. I'm confident the Chiefs are going to go with Thigpen, why wouldn't they? The Thigster looked really good at times, he's cheap and Pioli can build on that! Plus if he doesn't work out the qb class is much better in 2010. Scott knows the Chiefs won't be rebuilt in one year. So who does this leave? - - - Bears, Lions, Vikings, (the entire NFC North if Green Bay wasn't stupid) Buccaneers, Panthers, Jets, and maybe the 49ers who may or may not be happy with Shaun Hill. The Bears might be snortin too much Orton to join the party, the Lions proabably don't want to shell out the #1 overall pick, but they also have the #20 and a few extra 2nd or 3rds. The Vikings should be the team jumping all over him, but they just went the trade for a franchise player route last year with Jared Allen. Tampa Bay may feel Cassel could be the future but once again I don't see a new coach giving up multiple picks for one player, I see that type of thing coming from a coach who might not be around to use the picks anyways (coughburpfartbradchildressjohnfox) Jake Delhomme has to be shown the door in Carolina and John Fox hasn't won a playoff game since 2004 so his loyalty may be running low to Jake D. It should be fun to hear the rumors over the next few weeks...